See why the original movies just wont do?
The Twilight saga is finally over and instead of rejoicing (like everybody else), I'm sitting here feeling bad for all the people who wasted their hard earned cash, going to see this tragic quintet of crap.
But never fear, sooner or later a group of sensible producers will try to correct the wrongs done by this franchise by rebooting the whole thing. Hopefully they will just let The Front Pager take charge of that operation. Here's how I would make Twilight awesome:
And so the story goes.......
Ok, first things first. In case you aren't familiar with the original material, this is what happened:
So there's these two lovers, Bella and Edward. Edward is a vampire and Bella is a socially awkward tom-boy chick. Got it?
There is also a guy called Jacob. He is a werewolf. Werewolves hate vampires. But in the Twilight world they don't kick each others asses. They discuss their problems instead.
Anyway, Jacob has a thing for Bella (yeah, she must be quite a girl) but she isn't interested. There's suppose to be a dramatic love triangle here, but I really don't see it.
Fast forward a few days (or months - Twilight isn't big on time) Edward and Bella get married and they finally get it on. Then Bella gets pregnant and almost dies.
Please note: It would have made more sense to turn her into a vampire before shagging the life out of her but nobody thought of that.
Anyway she almost dies giving birth, so Edward turns her into a vampire to save her life.
After that, a bunch of vamps are after Bella's baby girl. Edwards family (The Cullens) call in bloodsuckers from all over the world to protect Bella and her kid.
This should be the part when some serious ass kicking happens, but no - all the vampires sit and talk things out over a cup of coffee instead. Problem solved. The end. No seriously, that's it.
Of course my version of events would be so much more tantalizing Firstly, the whole vampire baby storyline would be cut out completely.
Second, there would be vampire badassery everywhere you look.
Third, the vamps and the wolves would be key players in the badassery.
Fourthly and most importantly, the Twilight vampires would be like ordinary vampires, meaning that they will burn in the sun, have killer fangs and die when they get staked in the heart.
And fifthly (also very important), the vampires would have humans for breakfast. Maybe lunch and supper too. Probably dessert as well. There is no point of vampire movie where humans don't die. Sorry.
The director - Tim Burton
Yeah, take that Twilight. No seriously, take it. You need it.
Burton is a weird and wonderful genius who could make Twilight a cult classic.
The visual aesthetic would be out of this dimension, the story would be epic and the lack of terrible actors would be refreshing.
And the end result? A perfect Edward Scissorshands meets Sleepy Hollow meets Corpse Bride meets Beetlejuice meets Abraham Lincoln, The Vampire Slayer concoction We could even get an appearance from Johnny Depp. I mean, how cool is that?
Burton is thee man for the job.
Edward - Aaron Taylor Johnson
Nice face, yes?
From what I've gathered Edward Cullen's character needs three things - gorgeousness, paleness and piercing eyes. Basically he needs to be Aaron Taylor Johnson.
This great Brit is fiercely hot, has major acting chops and his eyes are enchanting. Besides, vampires are so much more convincing when they are British. Duh.
Bella - Alexa Vega
Who said that Bella couldn't be sexy? Awkward and innocent, yes. But an ugly plain Jane? I don't think so.
Bella has got to be hot. It only makes sense. She has two supernatural hunks fighting over after all.
Alexa is young, hot and happening. Plus she and Aaron would make a scorcher of a couple. And wouldn't it be nice to see a Bella who actually wears lip-gloss and knows the purpose of hairspray?
Jacob - Jesse Williams
A black, Jacob Black? Sounds great to me.
Move over Taylor 'I can't act but I can grin' Lautner. This is what a werewolf needs to look like.
Dangerous, sexy and so alluring.
See what I mean?
Jesse Williams looks like he was born to transform into a werewolf and he 100% looks like the kind of guy that a girl would consider leaving her vampire boyfriend for.
The Cullen family
All British, all crazy, all sexy vampire family. The way that vampire families should be.
As far as I know, the only remotely important Cullens are Alice, who can see into the future. Jasper, who likes the taste of human flesh (he wants to have Bella for dinner) and Carlisle - their loving father. Ioan Gruffudd (above) would murder the role. Talk about a sexy daddy.
As for Alice, who else but the lovely (and very fierce) Abbie Cornish? She's hot and talented. And although, she isn't British, she does the accent so well. And there is something bad ass about her. I like bad ass.
Now, now, we don't want R-Patz to be left without a job. He looks like a vamp, he could very well be Aaron Taylor Johnson's brother in real life and he takes pictures like this. A perfect Jasper, I think.
Bella's friend - Heather Morris
She's in Glee. Of course she can play a jealous (but pretty) best friend. Bring a lot of comic relief as well. Her character would be somewhat irrelevant, but still a fan favorite.
The bad guy - Eric Bana
I can't stop looking into this man's eyes.
Not only do I love Eric Bana (and he hasn't had a good job in years) but Twilight is really in need of a bad guy.
The movie wins every MTV Movie award, except Best Villian. Simple because they have no villain. Everybody sits and chats instead of being bad. That's why we need Eric Bana. And no, I'm not just saying that because he has the words 'Hunk du Jour' captioning his photos.
Eric Bana, Alexa Vega, Tim Burton and heads rolling. I think Twilight is sounding pretty awesome right now. Don't you?